well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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