For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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