Just fell off a train. Bad.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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