I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
