If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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