life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
