We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
