just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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