I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
