I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
