dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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