i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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