My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
