Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How external is "for external use only"?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
