Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
