Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
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