so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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