...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
