It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
