I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I wear drunk well.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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