Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
