when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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