Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
