Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
