dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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