apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
