You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
