look no pants
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
