apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
