Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
