i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
