he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
