It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
