fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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