note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
