Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
