I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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