You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
