Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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