Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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