non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
