dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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