go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
