would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
