You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
