Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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