Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
