Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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