my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
