can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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