the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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