hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
