Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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